


that cheap and sacred thing

by daisuga



Category: Ookiku Furikabutte | Big Windup!
Genre: M/M, REALLY BAD PARENTING IN MY OPINION, emotional breakdowns and : (, haha it's eight am and im breaking my heart, headcanon on why tajima is so understanding and patient with/of mihashi, slooooow paciiiiing you guys have to bear the first part it was a pain to write
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-14
Updated: 2014-09-14
Packaged: 2018-02-17 07:47:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2302025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daisuga/pseuds/daisuga
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Once upon a time, Tajima broke.</p>
            </blockquote>





	that cheap and sacred thing

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hexon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hexon/gifts).



> special mention to ko: thank you for listening to me cry about tajima at like, nine am.
> 
> title taken from a kinetic novel of the same name.
> 
> i got lazy in the end so maybe i'll redo it sometime mayb :( unbeta'd and i need sleep.

You are so brave and quiet I forget you are suffering.

**Ernest Hemingway,** _A Farewell to Arms_

 

 

 

 

In the Tajima family, there are five children, a mother who sells jewelry and a father that works abroad.

The oldest, Tajima Kenichirou, had always been The Father, since the head of the family is not around. Always looking after his siblings, always cooking at twelve midnight when one of them wakes him up,   _Nii-chan, please, I'm hungry, but mom would be mad_. He's the mother's favorite at best, getting good grades and being good at baseball. Always caring, always there; he's like the Tajima Siblings' Father and Guardian Angel.

The next one, Tajima Mayumi, had always been the smartest, dreaming to top the board exams, wanting to be a doctor since day one. She's always serious, wearing glasses that makes her look too mature, freckles already fading by the time she's sixteen. Despite being so organized and clean, her medical books cannot be contained--her other siblings always trip on them, making her fume. She's the brains of the family; the top-notcher, that sibling that always gets all the academic awards. 

After her is Tajima Chihiro, eccentric, yet bubbly. Freckles never really disappearing, her passion for plants never runs dry. Some says that she looks like the exact female version of her youngest brother. She's as charming as he is, as well, and is actually the most similar to him in terms of physical appearance, attitude and habits. They have the same tastes and is almost always in the same wavelength, so much that it creeps the other siblings out with how they are so alike.

Last is Tajima Shinichirou, flawless skin and crisp manners. He's always uptight, as commented by his siblings, as if he's born to work in a big company's Sales division. Frequently sick when he was a baby, he's been spoiled rotten by almost everyone in the family, though he hates being babied. He doesn't have any special skills except for his way with words, seeing as how he's too impatient to learn how to play instruments, too lazy to wish to be in law or med. He's as charming as they come and go, always managing to talk his way out of (or into) something. 

The mother, Tajima Miwako, brings in money by selling jewelries to her friends and other clients. The father, Tajima Jin, works outside of the country; He hops from one country to another, finalizing deals and attending meetings. 

All in all, they're pretty okay.

In the Tajima family, there are five children, a mother who sells jewelry and a father that works abroad.

It's simple to make a headcount, really, and yet, there's someone who's always left behind.

 

* * *

 

They say that he's a prodigy.

_Even better than your brother_ , they said, shooting him a thumbs-up and a smile.  _you're the baseball wonder._

But Tajima doesn't feel like it. 

As he stood there, bat in hand, clad in the Arakawa Sea Breams uniform, number 5 sewn by him sticking on his back, he doesn't feel it. Even when he's the one that batted the homerun that made them win. And more before that. As he stares up at the scoreboard, where they destroyed Toriaka Middle School with a crushing 5-12 score--as he stares up the bleachers where all the parents and relatives of his teammates stay, cheering them on, saying their name, like  _Takano, I am so so proud of you!,_ he doesn't feel it.

He hugged his luggage as he leaned on the bus window, hiding his face. His chest hurts. He feels hollow.

As always, he's the only one without any relative to greet him after a game.

 

* * *

 

"Ah, I heard that you won your game today, Yuu!"

Kenichirou's voice was loud, proud and friendly. The dining table halted and the youngest of the five looked up, surprised. He usually doesn't contribute to the conversation in the dining table, but not because he doesn't want to. 

Being in a family with so many people in it sucks, sometimes.

So he's genuinely surprised and happy that Kenichirou wanted him to talk about baseball, much less  _know_ about the fact that they won the game. He's even letting him talk about it right in front of the others.

"H...How did you know?"

Kenichirou just grinned at him. "Of course I know; I play baseball too, you dolt!" 

They laughed, and Tajima just felt happy, really. He can't even contain his excitement--it's like his first time being seen again by the family, first time to be acknowledged. His dad often do that job, but now he's gone, away, he's practically invisible except to Kenichirou. 

"Did you bat properly?"

"'Course I did, Aniki! It was my bat that won us--"

Suddenly, Mayumi's phone rang, startling them and cutting off Tajima. They all blinked as Mayumi's face went from a frown to a large grin after reading the message on her phone; it wasn't very long until she's shoving it to their mom, exclaiming that she should look at it, and quickly, too. Tajima forced a smile and swallowed his frown, a heavy feeling settling down his stomach again. Everyone's focus redirected to the message, and Tajima looked down at his food.

"I got in! I got in a very limited scholarship in Todai!" His sister's face was so bright that everyone in the table sans Tajima actually shone. The string of "I'm so proud of you!" and "Congratulations!" floated into the air, and Tajima tried not to feel bitter.

He murmured a soft "Congrats," and no one heard him.

For some reason, he's not surprised.

 

* * *

 

After Kenichirou left for college again, Tajima's left to fend off for himself. There's no more Kenichirou to make an opening so he could squeeze in a conversation with the family, so he had to try.

He found an opportunity when he's batting fourth, again, in their next game. The coach praised him, loving how he's so "brilliant" and "hardworking", how his talent must be natural, and Tajima grinned--finally, he can show them just how he's great at something, too, and that he's not the sibling that's always written off.

So over dinner, he cleared his throat and asked in an unsure, but firm voice, "Can you guys come to my game this Saturday?"

They all blinked at him, and then turned to their dinner. What happens next was something that Tajima deemed as one of the worst things that ever happened to him.

"Sorry, got to check the university by then."

"Ah, I have a lab experiment Saturday morning--"

Tajima deflates. "B-But the game's at the afternoon--"

"I'll be too tired by then!"

"But," Tajima interjected, desperate and pleading, _please, just look at me_. Please. _Please_. "we always go to Aniki's games before, regardless--"

"Stop it, Yuuichirou," Miwako's voice cut through them, voice heavy and eyes disapproving. "we're all going to do something important by then. You should do yours."

"Maybe you should improve your grades instead," Mayumi commented, offhandedly, before moving on to an another topic.

He bowed his head and tried not to cry.

 

* * *

 

 

After running a home-run  that caused them to win, he took a last, desperate look in the crowd, looking for a familiar face. Maybe. Maybe, just maybe, _oh god, please._

He eyes widened at the sight of his grandfather, waving at him, smiling, standing there in the third row looking proud and fatherly and all Tajima could do was raise his hand to wave in return.

He cried in the bullpen for five minutes.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Kenichirou woke up from a nap he took after training because of a call from home. It's already six in the evening.

"Mayumi, what's wrong?"

"Chihiro's panicking," Mayumi said, voice calm. "we saw your package and forgot that it's Yuu's birthday. We need help on what to get him."

He blinked, stiffening and letting the words sink in.

"Y...You forgot his birthday?" It was meant to be a question, but it just came out as a flat statement, voice deadpan.

"Yeah," The second oldest carried on, and he could hear Chihiro fretting in the background. He could make out a few phrases.  _He would sulk, we_ have _to do something, gods! Where the hell is mom?_ "would cooking his favorite foods be okay? Or do we need to run to the store?"

"Mayumi," he said, slowly, voice shaking. He can't fucking believe it, honestly, what kind of siblings would be this nonchalant about their kin's birthday? What kind of a sibling makes an effort just so they wouldn't sulk, and not because the date is actually important and should be celebrated? He's livid and angry, breath hitching in his throat. "I can't fucking believe this."

There was silence, before Mayumi said, in that annoyingly detached voice of hers, "Well, there's nothing we can do about it."

"You guys are horrible," He suddenly spat at the phone. "He's our  _brother_! He's  _family_! I can't believe you don't care about this!"

He heard a sigh and he could practically hear the rolling of eyes that Mayumi does, and it grated against his nerves. Everything about this whole situation is making him furious--how could they not see how much they're hurting Yuu? How could they not realize how ignored and neglected the child is? He's in middle school, for fuck's sake.

"Nevermind," he interrupted, "I'll come home. Pretend that that's your gift to him--you know, me coming home. Goodbye, I'll text you when I get there."

He shut his phone off and covered his face.

 

* * *

 

 

Tajima Yuuichirou was actually happy. 

His folks didn't forget his birthday, thank god, and their present was just simply the greatest--they managed to convince Kenichirou to go home, and they played some baseball and grilled some BBQ as they waited for the cake to bake. It was the best day he's ever had ever since Kenichirou left, and during those days he only felt happy while helping out his grandfather in the fields.

After everything's over and done with, they all bid goodnight and left for bed. Tajima was just exiting the bathroom when he turned and heard Kenichirou talking in the phone.

"Yeah, sorry, Reiichi," he said, and Tajima immediately hid by the door. "I won't be able to play in the championship tomorrow. Family forgot my brother's birthday and I had to go home."

Tajima froze. Kenichirou just kept on talking.

"I'm sorry."

"Yes, I know. I'm ready to be kicked out of the team."

"I'm really sorry, Reiichi."

 

 

 

"Yuu?"

Kenichirou gulped, seeing the boy looking down at his feet. He heard.  _He heard._

"Wait, Yuu--"

"Don't, Aniki," Tajima sniffed, and it was embarrassing, how he's shaking his head and wiping and hiding his eyes with his arms, feeling like a child. He's sobbing, making it hard to talk. "Just don't."

 

He ran up to his room and locked it. 

Kenichirou looked at his back, hopeless.

 

* * *

 

 

"Ah, Yuu, did you hear?" Chihiro looked at him, concerned, two days after. "Nee-san quit baseball..."

Her tone was not, in any way, accusatory. It didn't have any bite, any malice, only pure concern and pure curiosity, and Tajima hates it, hates her, hates _them_ , hates _himself_ for hating _them_ , and he's just so, _so tired_. 

He passed by her and entered the bathroom.

 

* * *

 

 

Tajima Yuuichirou. The Baseball Wonder.

People admired him a lot. Coach had been telling him that scouts were already coming in, inquiring about him, observing him.

_You can't afford to mess up now,_ he said, _it's the most crucial part of your baseball career._

His name already being one of the most promising players in the baseball field, he's being handled with care, the coach always updating him, training him, making him work hard--but it's so empty, Tajima thinks, it's so empty and it scared him because baseball was his escape; in baseball, he's free and everyone's eyes are on him, and he's admired, and that's it, he thinks--

That's the problem; admired, but never loved.

Admired, but only for his skills.

The attention he craved, the love he wanted--it's never given to him, in any form. People worship him as the best hitter in the famous Arakawa Sea Breams, and yet, he doesn't have any real friends. He have guys who stick to him, but they never get close. He never gets that real, authentic friendship, never gets that feeling that someone accepts him for who he is, entirely, and it hurts and it makes him feel dizzy, chest constricting painfully, and he hates it, hates how he's so full of loathing and anger and loneliness and he's so damn tired, because he don't know what to do, don't know where to place all these feelings. He doesn't want them, he never wants to have them again.

He's drowning, slowly, surely, and it hurts.

All he knows is that he looks around him, asks himself where it hurts.

_Everywhere,_ his subconscious says, crying.

 

_Everywhere._

_Everywhere._

_Everywhere._

 

* * *

 

 

_"Maybe you should improve your grades instead,"_ was what Mayumi said, so he tried that.

That's his last resort, his last move in this one-sided game that he's been trying to play with his family. If there's any way to make them look at him again, it'll have to be this; they've always told him how his grades need more attention and how he should take his studies seriously. How he's too "loud" (Shinichirou) and "annoying" (Mayumi) and that he should just go study in his room. So he's doing that.

 

Baseball.

Library.

Baseball.

Baseball.

Study.

Read.

Calculate.

Baseball.

Baseball.

 

 

 

"Um...How's baseball?" Chihiro once asked over the dining table, nervously looking at the Tajima. The youngest didn't talk to any of them for the whole week; Mayumi thought that he's just throwing a fit because of something petty, and Shinichirou was grateful for the silence. Chihiro, however, grew concerned--Tajima had always been a kind yet honest kid. The thought of her little brother being bullied is enough to strike fear in her; While they're not as close as how he's close to Ken, he's still her brother, and she still can't believe he forgot his birthday once.

Tajima looked at her, eyes scrunching up, biting his lip, before continuing to eat his food. The other two siblings looked over, while Miwako finishes up her call in the living room.

The dinner table remained silent.

 

 

He didn't answer Chihiro.

He's mad--nay, he's raging; How dare they talk to him about something so fucking important to him? They didn't give a shit about baseball in the first place, never attending his games, never asking him about it unless Kenichirou is around. There's a storm inside of him--how dare they talk about something so precious to him, yet meaningless to them?

His chest still hurts.

 

* * *

 

 

"You're losing your grip, Tajima."

"I'm sorry," He muttered, swinging the bat a few times. "I've been studying too much and haven't got time for that much practice..."

He gulped. Silence overcame them, and for a while, the only noise was the scuffle of his other teammates. The familiar sound of the ball hitting a bat. The "Strike!" being yelled out.

"We have to move you from the line-up. It can't be helped, Tajima."

He wanted to laugh. He didn't.

He adjusted his cap and looked down his hands.

"It can't be helped," He echoed, breathing ragged.

 

* * *

 

 

"You're not doing well in baseball?" Is what he's greeted at when he came home the next day.

"Sorry--"

"Why aren't you doing good? You spent all your time playing baseball; It's basically all that you're good at. " Tajima gaped, And Mayumi crossed her arms. "Really, Yuu?"

"What's happening?" Shinichirou entered the living room, and felt the heavy atmosphere. He cocked an eyebrow, looking at both of them. "Are you guys fighting?"

"No!" Tajima exclaimed, hands shaking, rebellion up in his chest, in his heart, and he can feel it, he can taste the bitter thing on the tip of his tongue, and he hates it, hates this. He wants to go away.

"Yeah," Mayumi said, "It's just that he's apparently falling short in baseball."

"Whoa, seriously?" Shinichirou looked so bewildered that Tajima thought that he's concerned, for once. "You've been wasting your time on it and you're not even good?"

The youngest's mouth hung open, eyes wide, watching the disappointed and disapproving faces of his siblings.

_Hate. Hate them. Hate myself. I want to go. I want to go away--_

MIwako arrived in the room just in time to hear the two older siblings talk about it--"He's now batting eight!" "What? That's all he is now?"--and frowned.

"What's happening here?"

"I--!!"

"Mom," Mayumi interjected, voice overpowering Tajima's weak one. "Tajima's failing baseball, too."

Miwako looked stunned. 

"I. Well, dear..." She looks unsure, and tried to find something to say that won't come off as offensive to either side. "that's really bad. Maybe you should focus more next time?"

They all looked at the younger, and blinked.

Tajima is hyperventilating.

 

 

 

Chihiro opened the door, only to see a rushing Tajima, sniffing and sobbing and crying, moving out of the house. 

"Ah, Yuu!" 

She tried to run after him, confused and scared, but lost him after a while. He dropped his bag and a piece of paper rolled out of it. 

She picked it up, still looking at the direction Tajima ran off to.

"Yuu...?"

 

* * *

 

 

"I'm really tired," His voice was shaky, hoarse, and they could barely make out what he's saying. He's incoherent and he's shaking too much and he's sobbing, gasping for breathe, and he's a mess, he knew. He hands cover his face, fingers digging into his scalp, palms pressed against his eyes so heavily that it hurts. "I'm really tired and I don't know what to do to make you guys see me. I--I tried playing baseball properly, you know? I've been doing great, coach said, and that scouts were looking me up. But then you guys just shouted at me about how useless baseball is because my grades were, you know, junk. And I tried, so yeah, okay, I--I. I studied a lot. Mayumi-nee told me to do so, remember, when I i-invited you guys to my game..."

He wailed, and how embarrassing, he thought, before continuing, with great difficulty. "And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm not enough. I'm sorry I can't do a-anything r-right--"

He swallowed his voice, and ran away.

He ran away from everything.

He looked at everything, and it hurts.

_It hurts._

 

* * *

 

"I give up, I really give up. That's you guys' fault, I am out. I tried all I can, and it's time that you guys fix it."

Kinichirou's voice was firm and decisive. There's a certain bite, but they supposed they couldn't blame him at all.

 

"If you guys ever make up with him, tell him I got back into baseball."

 

* * *

 

 

Chihiro never held a baseball bat before.

 

His other family members tried to reason out that Tajima will come around eventually, but she didn't miss the way Mayumi's hand trembled when she picked up her books, or the way Shinichirou kept on fiddling with his phone. Their mom already contacted their grandfather and confirmed that yes, yes, Tajima is indeed at his place, no need to worry, he's calm now.

 Chihiro can't keep still. She _has_ to do _something_.

_Anything._

 

 

So there she is, standing in front of her grandfather's door, awkwardly holding the baseball bat, her bag containing the baseball gloves and a ball or two that she found in Tajima's room, nervous. She never managed to reach out to the youngest properly, preferring to bond with him just when an opportunity arises, because they always have the same tastes. 

She heard footsteps.

The door opened and she looked down to meet the same colored eyes, with the familiar freckles and an inquisitive  look,  as if to say, I didn't expect you to be here.

"I...I..." Chihiro stuttered, then her face scrunched up, and she's suddenly crying.

"I. Yuu, d-do you wanna play b-baseball wi...with me?"

 

 

So that's how they ended up crying on the doorstep, wailing, Chihiro commenting, "I'm embarrassing, I'll be a third year next year," and Tajima complaining about how he's been crying too much.

"I'm so sorry," Chihiro whispered into his hair, holding him close when they calmed down a little. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

There's a muffled "It's okay," and everything is silent.

Chihiro smiled.

 

 

"You know, Ken-chan is playing baseball again."

 

* * *

 

The first time he came back, Mayumi awkwardly shoved a present to him.

"I--" She said, sniffing, then looking away, pouting. "Congrats. I heard you were in the top five of your class while you were having a baseball crisis."

Tajime hid his flustered grin behind the nicely-wrapped present. He looked down. "T-Thanks."

Silence, then they looked at each other.

"Oh, for god's sake!" Mayumi groaned, face scrunching up in the same way as Chihiro did as she pulled him against her. "God, you dolt. I'm sorry, okay! Never run off like that again!"

Tajima just laughed, despite the tears.

 

* * *

 

Shinichiro bought him to Osaka, where Kenichirou was studying.

Despite his reputation regarding his way with words, he's been mute the whole ride.

 

"It's okay," Tajima blurted out, as they got home. "Thank you."

"Yeah," Shinichirou nodded.

 

He whispered a soft sorry.

"It's okay," Tajima echoed.

 

* * *

 

 

Things didn't get better immediately, but slowly, they did.

By the time he's in Nishiura for his first year, he could already breathe. The baseball diamond isn't too much for him anymore, the baseball bat feeling so familiar and nostalgic in his hands.

It's okay, he thought, hands on his chest.

He asked himself, again, _Where does it hurt?_

 

 

 

_Nowhere at all._

 

**Author's Note:**

> tRASH im screaming just imagine that the first time he sees mihashi breakdown he'll be all "ah i know that feeling" and okay i have so many feelings i swear i am so incoherent whenever i write an oofuri fic what the shit,


End file.
